Whose Heart is It?

Two years have passed since my boyfriend’s funeral. I had been afraid of it for a very long time. This was his style of life. He liked to dance on the edge of life and death. He was in a motorcycle gang, liked high speeds, loved the risk of it. So many times I asked him to rein back, slow down. But he was relentless.

He died because of his passion, it’s obvious. The road was too slippery. He didn’t manage to slam on the brakes before entering the bend. Everything had happened so quickly. In just several hours. Not only I lost my boyfriend, but also had to face the fact that his organs will be distributed. This was a double shock for me. The surgery aimed at rescuing his life has transformed into organs donation.

For the first two months I was behaving as if I was closed in some glass sphere. I was behind a thick wall of incomprehension. I couldn’t hear any consolation words, and I wasn’t able to take responsibility for my current business. My parents applied for a leave from my studies on my behalf. I was struggling to live a simple life. Day by day, I would browse through our common photos.

Fortunately, the following months were much better. I even went to a shrink several times. Now I now that I was going through the natural process of mourning. I kept blaming myself that I had not been more categorical. But a second later I was feeling angry that he hadn’t any respect for his life. And after another second self-blaming and total helplessness were arriving again. Now, I am reconciled with many things. I started to perceive the reality in a different way. I got rid of this burden. I separated myself from all bad things that happened to me, mainly from losing my beloved. I decided to live a normal life.

„Excuse me, is it your wallet, Miss?” A green-eyed tall blond man came over to me with my lost item.

„Yes, thank you, sir!” I was taken aback by the man’s honesty. „I must have lost it when I was taking my phone from the purse”. I added, more personally this time.

„These things happen.” He said. „Well, maybe not to men, as they don’t often look for their cell phones in their purses.” Joked the man.

„Indeed, you are right. I think I owe you some finer’s reward.” I offered coyly.

„A cup of good coffee in a nice company will suffice.” Offered the man.

„Ok, but you know, I am afraid that I don’t have too much time now, I am in a hurry for my job interview.” But maybe I will give you my phone number and we’ll arrange something later.” I proposed.

„Sounds perfect.” The fair-haired man seemed content.

So, all of it has started this way. Our first meeting wasn’t the last one. On the contrary, it has initiated quite nice friendship. Unfortunately, echoes of the tragedy were beginning to emerge on the surface. I was looking at Przemek from the angle of my ex-boyfriend. He was totally different. Peaceful, reasonable, composed, gallant, and his interests were revolving around music, films and literature. Two years ago he wouldn’t interest me at all. I preferred impulsive guys, who are on the unbridled side and don’t like to follow the beaten tracks. But I was somehow attracted to him. I liked his smile, wisdom and those flickering eyes. Besides, I felt strangely safe with him, as if I knew him for a really long time. After several weeks since our first meeting, when something has started to happen between us, I decided to stop it all from evolving further and told him about Robert.

„I do not want to delude you. I do not know if I am ready for something more serious. I still think about him sometimes…” I told him when I finished my story.

„I understand.” Przemek said, keeping me at a distance. „Do you want to stop seeing me?” He stuttered out.

„Noooo!” I almost screamed. „No, I mean. I still want to hang around with you, I just need some more time.” I admitted honestly.

„You know, just to finish the story, Robert signed some documents and became a potential donor when he was still alive.” Me and his parents had nothing to say on the matter. We had to fulfil the wish of the deceased. This is just horrible. Not only the faith robs you from the closest person, but also bisects him into pieces. I just couldn’t come to terms with it. If they didn’t want to cut him, they would probably find a way to save him.” Przemek got suddenly pale when he heard my words.

„Something happened?” I asked, confused.

„Nothing, I need to be going now. I promised my sister that I will help her with something. I’ll give you a call.” Przemek got up to his feet and left the room. I felt I have carried it too far, telling the story about my ex. If he had told me similar story, I would also start to doubt in the future of our relationship.

I waited for Przemek to call me. Three days have passed since we last saw each other, but he kept silence. I understood that he doesn’t want to continue our acquaintance. But I felt bad with the fact that I burdened him with my pain. I wanted to apologize him, so I decided to talk with him. Fortunately, he agreed to meet me.

„I am sorry. Things that happened belong to the past. I don’t know what the future will bring, but I wanted to apologize you for my sorrows. I shouldn’t have burden you with this.” I said breathlessly.

„You have nothing to apologize for.” Przemek was still very sad. „But I want to confess something.”

„What?” I opened my eyes even wider.

„You see, when your boyfriend died in an accident, when they cut him into pieces…” Przemek said falteringly.

„Go on!” I pressed him.

„This was when I received a new life.” Przemek looked straight ahead and clenched his fists firmly.

„A new life, what does it suppose to mean?” I started to breathe deeper.

„I had a heart transplant. For the last weeks before the transplantation I was already lying in the hospital. I felt weaker and weaker. Later I got the message that they found a donor. It was in May, right? 4^th of May to be precise, right?” He whispered.

I felt as if I was dreaming. I thought that some completely strange voice is talking to me.

„Yes. Robert was coming back from his long May weekend. The accident happened on the 3^rd of May, late in the evening…” I said feeling that tears are swelling in my eyes.

„His heart saved my life.” Przemek rubbed his eyes with a hand.

I was sitting dumbstruck. Everything came back to me. I wasn’t able to look into Przemek’s eyes directly. I blamed him for this. He had my Robert’s heart. I couldn’t even begin to fathom the complexity of the situation.

„I am glad that Robert’s accident wasn’t completely pointless. Now I don’t need to keep asking God: „Why?” I said after a short while and squeezed Przemek’s hand firmly.

/foto: www.freeimages.com/